The If Scenario

The summer of 1993 was a transformative season for me.  I was a young student home on break from college.  I had just met a very attractive 27 year old Mexican with a goatee that wouldn't quit. And, I was a virgin.  Well, at least with respect to men. 

That summer stands out in my mind because it was a particularly rainy summer in Chicago.  The Chicago Bulls were on their way to winning their third (of six) NBA titles.  And my first date with the Mexican was to see one of my favorite movies of all time, What's Love Got To Do With It? starring the incomparable Angela Bassett playing the role of the amazing Tina Turner.

I was geeked to see the the movie.  But I was even more surprised to see the trailer for Janet Jackson's upcoming film, Poetic Justice featuring the poetry of Dr. Maya Angelou.  The trailer ended with Janet singing her hit ballad, Again.  And even though I was only hearing a snippet of the song, I knew I had to go out and purchase that song. 

After years of fantasizing and hoping, I was finally going out on dates with someone I liked.  The syrupy sweet sap that Janet captured in those few notes that I heard of Again seemed to mirror the cotton candy contentment that was in my heart.

So I bought the janet album.  And I was blown away.  Sexy, sensuous, playful, and organic.  And even though I needed the liner notes to understand her mumbling voice, one of the songs that excited me the most was If.

If I was your girl, oh the things I'd do to you.  I'd make you call out my name, I'd ask who it belongs to.  If I was your woman, the things I'd do to you.  But I'm not, so I can't, and I won't.  But, if was your girl.

All I can say is that it was H O T. 

I've always said that gay black men love Janet Jackson.  But in my sexual dealings with men, it seems like they are also obsessed with If.

For example, recently I met a very attractive young man, about 21 years old on an Internet sex site.  We hooked up, and he had a slim frame, a cute face, and a pretty pleasant personality.  Although he was a little young, I was excited to meet him.

He came over to my place and we talked, watched television, and chilled before he told me that he was interested in getting busy.  Of course, I wanted to oblige.  He took his clothes off, and to my surprise he had an extremely long dick.  I thought, Where did all that come from? I was as giddy as a school boy.

I was ready to swap fucks, and he told me that he wasn't prepared to get fucked.  And in the interest of avoiding a brown betty situation, I declined to pursue the issue.  But he told me that he was interested in fucking me.  I was ready.  So we went at it.  I reached in my drawer, pulled out a condom and slid it on his piece.

But like my crazy big dick theory states, guys with big dicks have problems.  And one of the plagues of the big dick is that it sometimes doesn't get hard.  He had problems maintaining his erection. 

He looked at me funny.  He was embarrassed.  This condom is just too tight on my dick, he said.  I had heard that one before.  He went on to tell me, The only condoms that I use are a special brand of ribbed condoms.  These condoms don't work for me.

I told him that he didn't have to use my condoms, that he was perfectly free to use his own.  So where are your condoms? I asked.

I didn't bring any, he told me.  So you can only fuck with one uncommon brand of condoms, and you didn't bring them with you?  What the hell did you expect to happen?  I thought to myself.  I was slightly annoyed.

But then things became clearer.  If I promise not to cum in you, can I fuck you? he asked.  I looked at him like he lost his mind.

It was The If Scenario.  Guys having a problem maintaing an erection and proposing some ridiculous solution.  In this case it was unprotected bareback sex.  But I have experienced a number of other scenarios.

I've met a lot of guys who tell me that they need a bigger condom in order to stay hard.  If the condom were bigger, I could get hard, they say.  They complain that the condoms I had were "too tight" and "cut off their circulation".  When I confronted with that situation, I pull out my limited supply of magnums.  Guess what?  Then they complain that the magnums are too tight.  So then I pull out my even smaller supply of Reality condoms (they are the female condom).  The Reality condom is like wearing a sandwich bag on your dick.  If it is too tight, then your dick is too big for human to human sex, and you need to be fucking an elephant or hippopotamous.

Guess what? Their dicks still don't get hard.

But the If Scenario is not just limited to condoms.  I've met a few brothers who don't get hard and they tell me, If you suck my dick, I'll get hard.  I want to tell them, I am not boo-boo the fool.  You're not getting hard, cause you don't want to fuck.  How do I know?  Because when I was younger I fell into the If Scenario trap.  I would suck these men's dicks and they would get rock hard when I sucked them.  But when we went to have anal sex--their dicks would get soft.

So today whenever I see an If Scenario pop up, I retreat.  If it's not working, then it's just not working.

Comments

[thatguyheath]

Seems like everybody wants to ride raw. The condom not fitting excuse is so tired and played. That's why there are MagnumXXLs for those that are really packing and no matter how big or thick a guy is, they are comfortable.

[Playa J]

this post is like a double dose of bernard. the sly segue from the ms jackson obsession to the if question is sweet.

condoms -- cant live with them, cant live without them. walmart sells 12-packs of trojan XXXL for cheap. they dont pinch like others do. now i never tried the reality condom. is it true you can keep grated cheese airtight in them?

the issue here is not wearing protection, but not getting hard. perhaps nothing is more irritating than a condom getting wrinkly coz its filled with a semisoft dick. stop the ride! no more friction!

from the BB perspective, raw sessions are equally plagued with limpness, so never let a punk try the excuse "it will get hard if i can ride with the top down." AWOL erections even haunt the best of them.

fortunately, there are V and C and L chemicals to prevent that. [ but read how even pharmaceutical advances arent effective sometimes. ]

every street-worthy hoe should be packing and generously sharing these wonder pills as needed. its not a crutch, no more than taking an aspirin for a headache, or drinking a cup of caffeine in the morning to improve alertness. one hoe-buddy notes that he stashes the blue in his Jeep for those impromptu hookups.

[tekay]

We've already talked about my
"ish" b and considering what happened recently, I believe both what you've stated here and what I told you about mr. broc is still true with me.

damn. damn. damn.

[Jyl]

AHA so maybe that was the problem with the guy the other day. I addressed it on my blog. And linked back to you because I mention you :D

[karsh]

The Reality condom is like wearing a sandwich bag on your dick. If it is too tight, then your dick is too big for human to human sex, and you need to be fucking an elephant or hippopotamous.

I laughed my ass off at that one.

[Dy]

Bernard,
I'd say this again you should write a Book! its like you are an oracle or something!..Loosing an erection just before you're about to Fuck is hugely embarassing & its mainly due to not feeling comfortable with your partner,or yourself..usually its best to relax and not try too hard cause it ain't gonna work