The Hole or The Bottom? (part one)

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It should come as no surprise that I love short stories.  The Lady or The Tiger is not just an expression for an unsolvable conundrum, but it is also one of the best American short stories of all time.  Written by Frank Stockton, The Lady or The Tiger is set in "semi-barbaric" times and tells the tale of a king who administers an unusual form of justice for criminals in his land. 

The king placed all offenders in a public arena and the only way out were through two doors.  Behind door number one was a viscious man-eating tiger.  If he picked this door he was deemed guilty of the crime and his punishment was that the tiger would destroy him.  Behind door number two was a a ruling of innocence--and a beautiful woman that the criminal was forced to marry on the spot--as his reward.

The king has a daughter who falls in love with a commoner.  Their love is discovered and the king has the commoner arrested and placed into the arena to face justice.  The commoner looks to the princess for assistance--since she knows what lies behind which door.  She is faced with a conundrum--see the man she loves ripped to pieces or see him alive but in the arms of another woman for the rest of his life.  She motions to the right door, and the commoner picks it...

Stockton never tells us what's behind the door.

And lately I have found that the search for cool men is just like the Stockton short story.  You have to decide between two not so flattering choices (neither of which you want).  And just like the finale of The Lady or The Tiger?, in the end, the search for cool men is just an unfulfiling tease.  But isn't it the tease and lack of resolution that simultaneously make The Lady or The Tiger? a classic, and men so irresistable?

I have found that a lot of the guys that I meet online fall into two categories: holes and bottoms.  Holes are just what you think--what can a hole hold?  Nothing.  Holes aren't made of anything.  By definition they are devoid of content and substance.  These are guys that can't really hold a conversation.  When they hit you up on the Internet they say very simple things like, Sup.  Its not that we want something that is really in depth--but the use of words with at least two syllables might be nice. 

When you think of a hole, think of a donut.  At first glance you are fooled by the nice yummy circle of dough that either cake or filled with jelly, sprinkled with sugar or slathered with icing.  A hole can be a very attractive brother--but at the center.  There isn't much.  Either no conversation, no honesty, or they just aren't for real about following up.

Bottoms (not to be confused with men that enjoy receiving anal sex) are guys that aren't so cute.  Because the bottom of most things serve as the foundation--they tend to be a lot more substantive.  They tend to be about their word, possibly intelligent--but when it comes down to it, you don't want to be with them.  Why?  Because they aren't that cute.  Or perhaps they are overweight.  They are at the bottom.  In the dark.  A diamond in the rough in need of a lot of cutting and polish.

You would love to be with the hole, but he's less than whole.  You would like to be with the bottom, if he would only take the elevator to the next level of physical attractiveness.  So in some ways we are faced with the conundrum: the hole, or the bottom?

But this past Thursday I was faced with a conundrum of my own.  I had just rode my "car" to a guy's house for some early morning sex.  He didn't give me his apartment number, only his cell phone number.  He told me to call him when I arrived.  When I arrived at his place, I was faced with a horrible problem.

I showed up on time, but to my shock, when I went to call him, I learned that my cell phone was out of order because my lazy ass forgot to pay the bill.  I paid the bill over the phone immediately with a credit card, but I was told it would take about an hour to activate.  He had a gas station near his apartment, but--just my luck--the public phones were busted up and broken. 

What was I going to do?  How was I going to reach my morning sex date?

Comments

[Playa J]

at first sight, its useful while booty prospecting to divide the field into two clumps:

• the less than physically/sexually desirable bottom
  or
• the less than emotionally/spiritually/socially stimulating hole.

nonetheless, the basic problem remains this: "You have to decide between two not so flattering choices (neither of which you want)".

the practical issue is to decide which trick is likely to leave you with the most self-esteem once y'all skeet skeet.

its also comes down to how skillful you are at upshifting/downshifting the freeking gears.

say you enter a strange apartment for the first time. BOTH you horndawgs have expectations and standards when meeting.

you assess the assets.

if you expect D & A and little else, you only get out of it what you put into it. if you just jerk through the latest sticky pages of Popular Sex Mechanics, then you have at least brushed up on your physical contact skills.

i say, bring something positive (not POZ) out of it. make it a learning experience, and not just an exercise in hunching a dawg coz youre in heat, and then later enjoying your post-nutt slumber at home.

last years biggest unexpected event for this playa and one that caused me more last-minute scraping of the gear shift was the time an 18-year old boy wanted to mess around. very soon into the set (following the heavy make-out portion) came this comment:

-- "i never did this before."
-- "did what before?"
-- "done anything with a guy"

once i pried my jaw up off the bed and several ahem ahem ahems later, i realized that this was a challenge and an opportunity.

i suppose i should have known this was coming when the e-a-s-y-s-p-r-e-a-d light didnt flash above his head.
"fuck, here i am with a Virgin."

recalling my first time (an event in the previous millennium) and reflecting on the advances in lubricant technology over the last three decades, i developed a plan to make this boy's experience a sweet one....

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

now you can also look at the dilemma from the opposite end. once in a great while, the choice between two equally attractive and stimulating menz presents itself. common sense tells us that

• the level of testosterone
• and the alignment of planets
• and the availability of Blue Boy at this late hour
• and the genome sequence of the X-chromosome

all factor into whether these equally attractive and available choices will remain that way for the next half-hour or even the next five minutes.
when that is the case, we are just as accursed as in the negative case. except here its because we realize that ultimate truth: we can't have it all. we can't be greedy.

its like my ex laughing at me when i watched straight porn because i was envious of the bitch taking D in all three holes. i wanted that coz i want it all.

we make choices.
we live with or suppress the consequences of our choices.
we can choose NOT to choose.
but choices are inevitable.

[thatguyheath]

Well said and well referenced, man. When given the choice, I always choose the Bottom only because after sex, I like to chat with the person that I've just finished screwing. And believe me, I've come across my share of Holes--that have left me anxious to get out of there quick. But it's the substance of Bottoms that keeps me interested. One guy that comes to mind is a buddy of mine--he's very attractive and wild in bed, but what turns me on about him is our conversations afterwards. One moment we're discussing French philosophers, Augusten Burroughs, Kurt Vonnegaut Jr. and the next we're discussing why Kanye West is so amazing. I'll never give up sex with him (sexually, he's a tomcat) but it's the conversations that keep me going back.

[Jaqua]

I have had this problem in gay dating hell, many times, and it all comes down to except guys for what they are now, not what we want them to be, if you want perfection buy a Ken doll.

[Leslea]

Well, when I was single, I just stayed away from both types--and they exist in the realm of straight men, as well, of course. Luckily, you have that freedom when you are single.