Hoping For Kwan

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It must be hard.  To want something for so long and to never get it. 

To have great qualities and have everyone acknowledge them.  But despite all your great qualities, the one thing that you want so badly always seems to slip through your fingers.  And you look around you, and you see other people getting what you want, and they don't seem like they are working as hard.

At first glance it might seem like I am talking about Michelle Kwan.  If you haven't heard, this past weekend, Michelle Kwan pulled out of her third Olymic games due to a chronic groin injury.  Kwan entered the Torino Olympics in hopes of obtaining the elusive gold medal.  She has won Olympic bronze (Salt Lake 2002), silver (Nagano 1998), 5 World Championships, and 9 U.S. National Championships.  Yet the one championship that Michelle has never won was Olympic Gold.

Like I said, it must be hard.  When Kwan pulled out of the Turino games, surprisingly I found tears in my eyes.  Why was I having such a strong reaction to Kwan's withdrawal?  Why was I so feverishly looking forward to her final attempt at the gold?  It took Valentine's Day for me to figure it out.

I know what it feels like to yearn for something that seems unobtainable.  One of those things has been love.  Throughout my young life I was told that I had great qualities.  That I was a great person, smart, witty, good-looking--but like Michelle, the one thing that I wanted (love), always seemed to slip through my fingers.  And again, just like Kwan--other people who didn't seem to have all of the qualities that I had--seemed to be getting what I wanted.  Guys who seemed like assholes, or weren't that intelligent, seemed to always be dating people. 

In an interview with the annoying Bob Costas, Michelle said that she knew the gold was out there--but maybe it wasn't for her.  I often felt the same way about love.  It seemed like no matter how hard I tried, it just wasn't for me.

Canadian figure skater, now NBC commentator, Sandra Bezic said that she ran into Kwan in a parking lot after she lost the gold medal in Salt Lake 2002.  Michelle had a glazed look over her face, and asked Bezic, So what am I supposed to do now?  Haven't we all felt that way?

I know after each of my first two relationships (with SURGE and JOHN) went south I was in a state of shock.  I didn't think I could live, much less breathe.  And I really thought that there was no way I would ever put my life back together again.

But when faced with disappointment, what do we do?  Do we retreat and never reach for our goals?  Or do we start to rethink and retool our dreams?  And even more problematic, what happens, when we keep trying to reach our dreams, but they just aren't meant to be?

In a press conference on Sunday, Michelle said, It's always been a dream to win the Olympics, but I've learned it's not about the gold, it's about the spirit of it. 

I had to come to similar realization in my life.  It wasn't about being in love, or having someone love me--it was about the spirit of love.  I realized that maybe it was good enough to focus and rely on the love of my friends instead of waiting for the love of the elusive soulmate.  And most importantly, that loving myself was perhaps the best love that I could strive towards.

In the movie Jerry Maguire, Rod Tidwell (played by Cuba Gooding Jr. describes the concept of the kwan.  He says,

Hell yeah that’s my word. Some dudes might have the ‘coin,’ but they will never have the ‘kwan’ It means love, respect, community, and the dollars too. The entire package. The kwan.

On this day of the celebration of love, I am hoping for kwan.  I am hoping that Michelle Kwan makes sense of her dreams and that one day they be fulfilled (Michelle go for 2010).  I am hoping that today--and the rest of the year--we all find more kwan in our lives.  More love, more respect, and more fulfillment.

Happy Valentines Day

Comments

[Liquid Fonts]

Bernard thanks man, that was golden. It goes in hand with the idea that we cannot create what we desire from the universe when we use the wrong tools.

one cannot expect to attract love for instance, by using "fear of never getting love" as the primary tool/motivation for seeking out love, but instead using that energy to build up esteem by achieving goals and building positive relations with others will attract others.

Opposites "attract" from afar but those who have similarly aligned spritual outlooks and lifestyles always win the game of love because nobody wants to travel.

[Jay]

beautiful post, Bernard. I wholeheartedly agree, and feel the same way.

"It wasn't about being in love, or having someone love me--it was about the spirit of love."

Exactly.

I really needed to hear this today.

Thank U.

[shim]

What a beautifully written post.

Kwan's loss in Nagano is similar to how we sometimes "just miss" in love because of things that have nothing to do with our efforts. In the same way we try to put our best foot forward when dating, she skated a virtually flawless program. Everything was worthy of gold. The entire package was there. But, she skated early in the rotation. There is an unstated practice that early skaters are scored a little lower because it gives the judges room to manuever in case the next skater is clearly better. This means she received 5.8s that would normally have been 5.9s. In love, we sometimes suffer a similar fate because the guy we are with or want is leaving room for something better, something more. They don't see our beauty in its full effect because they are thinking the next fella might be better. It is like a blind spot.

Kwan's conqueror was a bit of a fluke. Tara Lipinski, an elfan waif who looked like Macaulay Culkin and weighed about 75lbs who could do back to back triple jumps. Not nearly as graceful, consistent, or as stylish as Kwan, Lipinski wowed the judges with the triple jumps. She's like the brother with the perfect smile, or a 13-inch dick, or a private jet or, knows Kanye's best friend. That one thing that dazzles and seduces to the point it overshadowed Kwan's flawless performance.

Lipinski faded as quickly as she appeared and other than that gold medal, she is a mere footnote in the history of the sport wherein Kwan is a legendary, yet slightly tragic, figure who somehow still manages to embody the spirit of why we compete or continue to date.

Not sure if it is better to end up like Kwan or Lipinski. Each has its merits. But, in a perfect world, Kwan would have the gold and we would have our "kwan."

Bernard, may you embrace all the kwan the universe sends your way.