Shlemiel, Shlimazl

As a young child in the late 1970s and early 80s, I didn't really get the humor of the sitcom, Laverne & Shirley.  But just because I didn't understand the jokes, that didn't prevent me from loving certain elements of the show.

For instance, I loved the way Laverne talked.  I liked the names of their off the wall pals, Lenny and Squiggy.  Even as a young boy I found myself "mysteriously" drawn to smooth voice and looks of Carmine Rugusa (played by Eddie Mekka), Shirley's on-again, off again boyfriend who was a part-time boxer that owned a dance studio and dreamed of making it big as a dancer and singer.  And who didn't love Laverne's trademark loopy "L" on her sweaters? 

But the biggest thing I loved about the show was the opening. 

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight! Shlemiel, shlimazl.  Hasenpfeffer incorporated!

Even though I rarely watched the show, I loved it when my brother would let me watch the opening theme song.  I didn't know what the hell they were saying.  But it sounded like fun.  I never knew that hasenpfeffer was a stew of peppered rabbit.  And why was the hasenpfeffer incorporated?  Maybe I will never know.

I was beginning to think that I would never know when my sexual doldrums were going to pass.  It had been a few weeks since I had sexual release, when I got a call from a brother that I had been chatting with for a few months.  He was an older, big tall burly brother who looked like he had an inviting face and a solid muscular body.  He had one of those looks that screamed motorcycle daddy.  Usually I'm not into that look but I could swear I saw him out in the street one day (I did), and he looked pretty smashing then.

We played phone tag for a few weeks.  He was traveling a lot out of town.  But one night he called me to tell me he was finally back in town and that we could get together whenever I liked.  Me, not being one to wait, invited him over to my house that evening. 

When he arrived, I have to say that he looked great.  Big.  Huge.  Massive.  And I'm no little guy at 6'0 and almost 200 pounds.  But he made me feel a little tiny and petite.  And actually, that's exactly how I wanted to feel after my doldrums.  I wanted someone to grab me, take me up in his arms and just manhandle me.  At least I could hope.

His size made me quiet.  At first, I felt a little bit like a little boy.  I was a little intimidated.  But that all ended when he started fiddling with his clothes and disrobing.  He seemed a bit clumsy and his clothes ended up all over my apartment floor.  I picked them up for him and put them in a neat pile.

And after his awkward clothes fumbling, I looked down and saw that his 9 inch dick was more like a child sized 4 inches.  It just seemed kind of funny and silly to look at this massive man with a hasenpfeffer.

But to his credit, he was masculine and very pleasant, and had a touch that felt amazing.  He did this thing with my chest and nipples that was sending me into orbit.  That is until his silly ass put my left nipple in a vice grip and refused to let it go.

I thought my wincing face would have been a clue to stop.  Or maybe the cry of, Stop.  But neither did.  Then I had to physically remove his hand with my hands.  My poor nipple was bruised and had to be placed out of commission.

I didn't wile out.  I asked him, Why did you do that?  That was really hurting.  He replied, I thought you were enjoying it.  Even when I told you stop? I interjected.  I'm sorry, he responded.

I didn't get the feeling that he was trying to hurt me.  But it was clear that I was dealing with a shlemiel--a clumsy, awkward, and (unfortunately for me) inept person.

But I decided to get back into character.  We felt on each other and rolled around. We even got into some intense shit talking (which I love).  And then the shlemiel did something that I thought would never happen to me as adult.

He sat over me, and as I lay on my back--he spit on me.  I heard the sound.  But for some reason it didn't compute until I felt his saliva hit my upper chest.

I thought,  This bitch just spit on me. 

Meanwhile, the shlemiel went about his business of making passion and bent over me and licked his spit off my chest.  That sent me into a state of paralysis.  This did not compute.  I wasn't ready for this kind of jelly.  I just felt like I had just been deceptively cast in a bad S&M movie (that's sado-masichist) and I didn't know how to get out.

I was a shlimazl--an unlucky person.  I have been told that the difference between a shlemiel and a shlimazl can best be described in the following aphorism,

A shlemiel is someone who often spills his soup, a shlimazl is the person he spills it on.

After my encounter, I feel it should be updated to:

A shlemiel is someone who thinks its acceptable to spit on people, a shlimazl is the person he spits on.

Despite that, and still to my surprise.  I didn't "wreck shop", or curse him out.  After my paralysis, I just pretended like I wasn't bothered by the situation, and went on with the sex praying that he wasn't going to some other socially clumsy act.

To his credit, he did finger me until I had an absolutely explosive orgasm that coated my right cheek.  Right afterwards he had an explosive orgasm of his own where I had to hide my face (once again) from a stream of cum.  I wish I could say it was hot.  It definitely relieved some inner tension.

But as nice as the shlemiel was, I made a mental note not to hook up with him again.  I like a little kink in my sex.  But at least get to know me before you start to take it to the kinky place.  But the funny thing is--I have a feeling that he had only just begun.

But this shlimazl wasn't sticking around to find out.

Comments

[Boogie]

He sat over me, and as I lay on my back--he spit on me. I heard the sound. But for some reason it didn't compute until I felt his saliva hit my upper chest

Ew.

[shajones]

That was hilarious! I totally know that type of dude! You brought back a horrible memory of mine.

[Quentin Ergane]

GREAT post.

But also... I AM MORE KINKY THAN YOOOOOUUUU!!! *lol*

Why am I partnered to someone so sexually vanilla? We are emotionally kinky, I think.

[Procrastination_xtravaganza]

Wow, I really fell off the face of the map lately. Anyway, glad to have a lot of reading to catch up on. In short. Doublebooking at any hour is brilliant, an art I have yet to incorporate in my sexual endeavors, which usually leaves me with consecutive disappointments throughout a night of hunting - maybe doublebooking can alleviate that shit, cause it aint fun. Secondly, neither Gina Torres nor Anna Espinosa would give two shits about being doublebooked, and I hope you let that anger go.He wanted to fuck, you might have been a game player and not shown up, you took mad long, and you mighta been ugly! Doublebooking ensures you get to pick the best (at least the better one) of the late night lot. As awkward and rude as it is, he doesn't owe you anything, and he needed to ensure himself a night's fuck, bravo to him. But anyway I got up on Gina during her Hercules/Xena stint, she's the shit, even got my lil website dedicated to her, ages old now. That Chicago escort dude you have in the Ice Cream Man post is hot, if he calls, leave him my # too! Last but not least, I'm so with you on the sexual doldrums, what the fuck is goin on? Between working a millions hours in my new position at work, and the clowns on the fuck sites that can't commit but want your attention, its been lord knows how long since I met anyone that I was even remotely interested in. And uh, I guess on this post, growing up, I caught the very tail end of L&S, uh, liked the theme song, and was entertaining enough at the level I could comprehend. Sorry dude spat on you, that's not remotely hot at all. (wasn't so short a post after all, aw well, glad to be back)

[Jyl]

Wow. where do you find these guys? I was just laffin like crazy and thinking about some of the shlemiel's I've met with.

LOL TFF

[sunny]

LOLOLOL... You had me crackin up with this post... I never knew what the hell they were singing at the beginning of that show... I never even sang that first part, just jumped in on, 'we're gonna do it- on your mark get set and go now...'

I am mad you actually used those words in a sentence... LOLOLOLOL

You are stupid. LOL