A Crash on Brokeback Mountain

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Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger in Brokeback Mountain

I predicted it. 

Every year, at every Academy Awards ceremony there is an upset.  There is always an upset.  There has to be some sort of drama.  Usually, its in the Best Supporting category, like the year when Jack Palance won for City Slickers, or when my girl Marisa Tomei (I loved her on the first season of A Different World) won Best Supporting Actress. 

But wasn't the real upset in 1997, when Juliette Binoche (The English Patient) beat out the incomparable Lauren Bacall (who unfortunately butchered her lines last night during her presentation, bless her heart) for best supporting actress?

No, actually it might have been in 2003, when Halle Berry (Monter's Ball) beat out Nicole Kidman for her tour de force performance in Moulin Rouge.  I hear that Nicole was really pissed about that one.

But last night the upset came in the Best Picture category.  Crash, the ensemble film on America's fucked up race relations set in Los Angeles, beat out Brokeback Mountain--the story of the unrealized love between two American shepherds (contrary to popular belief, Jake and Heath didn't play cowboys).

Like I said.  I knew it was going to happen.  There's always an upset, and everyone thought that Brokeback was a shoe in--having the most nominations, and having won the Producers Guild award and Directors Guild and the Golden Globe--and scores of other critical acclaim.  But I just knew it wasn't the film's night.

Don't get me wrong, I loved Brokeback.  Me and my best friend, DEE, went to see the slow movie, and I swear we laughed throughout the first three-fourths of the film.  Especially Michelle Williams's classic line, Jack Twist?....Jack Nasty!  And who didn't find themselves wanted the amazingly beautiful and dream filled Jack Twist played by Jake Gyllenhaal?  Yes, he could get it. 

But when I left the movie theater after seeing Brokeback Mountain, I had my own Crash to deal with.  I was facing my own interracial fight ahead of me.  An hour after the movie ended, I had a dinner date with my ex, JOHN--the intelligent white man that I spent two and a half years of my life with.  I hadn't seen him in over a year.  He had been living out of town for a while and had finally moved back to Chicago.

I was nervous.  But why?  I flashed to the past...

In the last six months of our relationship--we stopped having sex.  And I always say--if they aren't having sex with you--they are having sex with someone else. We stopped sleeping with one another.  I had gained weight.  I refused to lay with him since he refused to make love with me.  So it was a viscious circle.

The straw that broke the camel's back was when one day we went on a double date for Sunday brunch with one of our favorite interracial heterosexual couples to Wishbone--a restaurant not far from Harpo Studios--home of the Oprah Winfrey Show.  JOHN and I had a fight earlier and I ignored him during brunch.  When we got in the car he snapped at me and we started an argument right in front of our friends.  I was embarassed.

We drove to south to a book fair in the south loop in Chicago's Printer's Row and when our straight couple got out the car our argument started up again.  I had had enough.  I went off on him--punching him in his arm repeatedly.  I had snapped.  And then he started hitting me back and we were fighting in the front seat of his car.

A forty year old white man and a 25 year old black man in a gay donneybrook  (in the front seat of a Nissan Sentra no less).

Shortly after that, I told JOHN that I could no longer think about him when I made future life decisions.  And he told me that he understood.  I wanted him to stop me and say that he wanted to make it work.  But he seemed happy that I wanted to end things.  I wasn't.  I wanted to be with him.  And I wanted him to want me. 

So our relationship ended with me feeling empty handed.  I didn't think I would ever find anyone to love me again.  I thought I would be alone for the rest of my life. 

And here I was, five years later about to see JOHN.  Just after watching Brokeback Mountain and feeling the heartbreak that Ennis DelMar felt after losing Jack Twist.  I looked at my own life.  I had no Jack Twist.  I didn't have a hot guy who was madly in love with me and willing to throw everything away just to be with me--making me the number one person in his life.

My meeting with JOHN felt like it was going to be a Crash on Brokeback mountain.  I wanted to cancel with him.  I was over JOHN.  I had no dreams of getting back together with him.  But I worried that seeing him would remind me of the failure that was my love life. 

The first thing that you need to do is get a cuter outfit, I thought to myself.  I had been traveling with my boy DEE all day long.  And I looked kind of sweaty.  What's that on your ass?  DEE asked.  I looked in a mirror and there were black spots on my tan jeans.  That wouldn't do.

We stopped by Express for Men and I picked up a crisp pair of jeans and an EXTRA MEDIUM long sleeved shirt that hugged my body.  I wanted him to see that I had been working out for the past year.  I dabbed a little bit of my Issey Miyake oil on my pressure points that I carry on me in a pinch.

There was a part of me that wanted him to want me still.  To think about what could have been.  To think for one second, I missed out on Bernard...

I showed up at our dinner spot.  We dined at Andalous, an amazing Moroccan restaurant on Clark Street, just north of Belmont.  I took off my leather jacket.  That's right, look at my body, I thought.  I sat down.  He looked the same.  Just a little older.  Just a little heavier.

We talked for a good hour.  The food took a good while to come.  Just like old times, I ordered a good dish and ordered one that wasn't so great.  I always made good food choices when ate together.  He always loved to share our food.  But for some reason, that didn't feel right this time.

I kept searching his face for what I used to find so desirable.  And I couldn't find it.  Sure I missed the conversation.  JOHN is smart as hell and extremely well informed.  So it was nice to talk to someone who reads a newspaper on a daily basis and is informed of current world events.

But other than that there wasn't any twing in my stomach.  No boomerangs.  I was even beginning to think, Why did I go through such trouble to look so cute?

And I realized that I wasn't experiencing a Crash.  I realized that things had changed in those five years since JOHN and I moved on with our lives.  There would be no longing like that of the love affair in Brokeback Mountain.  My back wasn't broken at all.  I had matured.  I had moved past a point where I needed someone else to complete me. 

Seeing JOHN again, I saw all of the fun times we shared, but I also saw the bad times.  Five years ago I was willing to take JOHN back even though he made me unhappy.  I closed my eyes to the bad in hopes for the good.  But I couldn't do that now, because I knew that I deserved better.

My date with JOHN didn't remind me that I was single, lonely, and not in love with a "special significant other".

Instead, it reminded me that over the past years, I had learned to love someone.

Myself.

Comments

[L'il Viscious]

First of all, Wow - I've said this before, but I will say it again. You have such an amazing writing talent. Your words flow mellifluously from your mind and fingertips...Thank you for sharing.

Now, as someone who know the JOHN/Bernard saga a little more than most readers, Bernard's reflection at the end of the post where he realizes he's learned to love himself and has left the shadows of his past relationship with JOHN is completely genuine. It shows that the wounds of self-doubt and fear of self-worth have dissipated. He has emerged a stronger, more confident person and that is evident to anyone who truly knows Bernard. I am only glad he now sees the person we always have when we look at him.

[Boogie]

Am I insecure because I wanted my ex to find me attractive and re-think about the past? Of course not. I am human.

My goodness, you would think the other people aren't human or something lol.

[Bernard Bradshaw]

And I think it is disingenuous to post a comment under a fake email address.

What I never understand is, if you think I am so wrong, why don't you people use REAL email addresses? Because, you know you are on bullshit and you really just want to get a rise out of me. But haterz, I dust you off.

Am I insecure because I wanted my ex to find me attractive and re-think about the past? Of course not. I am human.

It is perfectly normal for a human being to want this. Now if I had done something extreme, like went and spent a lot of money, or starved myself to lose weight just for him--then that would have been a sign of insecurity.

But I didn't do that. I was in a better place, both physically and mentally. And there is nothing wrong with me wanting him to see that and think, "Damn, Bernard looks great."

My stress wasn't about meeting JOHN as much as it was about my own insecurities about where my love life was.

And if JOHN had been all cut up, I doubt that would have made a difference. The point is, I was over him. I was in great shape and I don't think JOHN "wanted" to get back with me. He thought I was attractive, and I think he thought I looked good--but not for one minute do I think (nor did I want) him to want to get back with me.

I wanted him to see that life moved on and that I was doing better without him than with him. If that's shallow or controlling, then I think you need to get a dictionary or some vocabulary classes.

bernard bradshaw

[danny]

You said - "I wanted to cancel with him. I was over JOHN. I had no dreams of getting back together with him." and then "There was a part of me that wanted him to want me still. To think about what could have been. To think for one second, I missed out on Bernard." Seems to me you are still insecure about yourself, which is understandable. I went through the same thing and still searching for myself. I just think it's kinda disingenious claiming it's b/c you are loving yourself now.

[Rocky]

LOL, that's what you call loving yourself? Getting stressed out about your appearance and status all the way up until the point where you realize the guy you're primming for isn't really worth it? So if John had been really hot, really cut, and really banging then you would've still been disinterested? It sounds less like you've learned to love yourself, and more like you're pretty shallow, and eager to place yourself in a position of control (i.e., your judging other people)