The End

I've known it for a while.  I didn't want to admit it to myself, but I knew something had changed.  Maybe it had just gotten old.  Or maybe grown tired.  The daily work of trying to make something work was taking a toll for some time.

My passion has almost entirely evaporated.  So why do I feel so awful announcing the end?

It was a crazy conversation.  We haven't been talking a lot.  We haven't been seeing one another often.  Our conversations consist largely of describing what we ate for dinner and the future of Star Jones post The View. 

We haven't had sex in ages.  And even worse, we haven't kissed.  Or held one another.  No intimacy.  Just a lot of playful, yet mean-spirited arguing. 

Like I said our last conversation was crazy.  I told him that he was never serious.  I thought he was too playful.  He asked me to explain why I insisted on staying with him.  Until I used one of his playful lines, We aren't together.  We're just friends.

And then he went off.  Like he never really has.  He rarely gets loud.  or angry.  But he did today.  He told me that we weren't together.  That I was a liar.  That bad things happen to me for a reason.  That he was moving on.  That he had been distancing himself from me for months now.

He reminded me that he purchased a gift for my birthday.  He reminded me that we had plans to go out for dinner on my birthday.  Then he told me,

Your birthday is cancelled.  I'm not taking you out.  And I am returning the gift I bought you and getting my money back.

That stung.  Tears came to my eyes.  Was his returning my gift supposed to hurt my feelings?  Throughout our entire relationship I was never a material person.  I didn't care about the things he purchased.  And while I appreciated them, in the end--they were material.  It made me wonder whether he ever knew me at all.

I wouldn't be seeing him on my birthday.  He was fucking breaking up with me days before my birthday.  What a lame feeling.'

I fought back the tears.  I searched for some courage.  My birthday is not cancelled, I said.  As much as I wished the sun would just set, and never rise again--that this day would pass.  And tomorrow would start fresh and new.  With no mistakes in it.  The world would keep turning even though my 3.5 year relationship wouldn't.  I repeated myself, My birthday is not cancelled, you just won't be celebrating it with me.

He called me a liar, yet refused to explain what I had lied to him about.  What could I lie about?  I was in an open relationship with a guy who had encouraged me to go to bathhouses from time to time.

Then he stated the truth, There's no need in me explaining anything, because we are finished.  I'm through, and I am moving on.

I told him Take care before I heard the click of the telephone hanging up.

I never thought that's how my relationship with FRIEND would end.

Comments

[Boogie]

I know I'm really late, but sorry to hear you lost Friend.

[Tim]

Believe you me, I know how it feels to lose someone that you really truly loved.

(And now for me to sound like the arrogant self-centered bytch I know I can be)

HIS LOSS.

[Coco]

B,
When I read the title "The End" I was sad because I thought it meant that you were ending your blog. Finding out that it was in reference to you ending your relationship with "Friend" was a melancholoy consolation for me - if I was in the CHI I'd give you a big hug and buy you a cinnamon roll (yes, I remember that conversation!) to make it all better. Talk to you soon, B!
Coco

[Seek]

Hey Bernard, you poor bastard! I hope that you went out on your birthday and met a sexxxy curious 19 year old ex-convict with a fat bag of sticky weed, some magnum condoms and lots of free time on his hands.

When you wake up from the overnight festivities, feel free to weep, eat a big pancake breakfast, and spend too much money on a pair of thug-fabulous Tim's.

Later for that ex-nigga, your next man, will be a real man.
Peace & Pancakes

[been there before]

THERE IS ALWAYS TWO SIDES TO A STORY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Quentin Ergane]

... I find I have many questions. Were you calling him "Friend" in that old, "in the life" fashion? Were you two really together all this time? Were we lied to?

And... I'm glad it ISN'T the end of your blog -- I really miss reading your blog on the regular, but I am not glad that something you had with someone is over... especially not this way.

I knew he was really into you. Knew it.

[Quentin Ergane]

Sorry, I am reading through the comments and thinking this post over, but I think Taylor made some very good and brilliant points. Stop the posturing (although I think this is old because your birthday should have already come and gone since the Sun is now in Leo) and be really vulnerable... if he decides to strike out and hurt you then, you know he really AIN'T shit and thus not feeling bad about and can rest knowing you did your part.

You two never gave EACH OTHER a chance... not really. Not really at all.

[Y DOES IT HURT SOO BAD?]

reminds me of an ol Whitney Houston song: Why does it hurt so bad? Why do I feel so sad? Thought I was over you, but I keep crying when I don't love you......So why does it hurt so bad...

[GOLDLADYT]

Let it go, & be free now Bernard!
You can't lose a love u never had........All this means is that now someone else can show u what u been missing all along. I love your blog and what u stand for....let it go & then let love happen. I promise, it will!

[Tom]

All good things end. All bad thing end. All things end. Time, place and circumstance tell the tale.

One friend can always be replaced by another. Absence is another word for possibility.

Hell, if you were into white guys I'd say call me let's talk.

[Kenneth Winfrey]

Everyone's been there, so why is it so hard to feel empathy for Bernard?

1. Regardless of the semantics ("together," "friends" whatever), there was a friendship there in every generic sense of the word. No kissing, no sex, playful jabs...yep, sounds like a really strong friendship to me!

2. What kind of a person "cancels" (see more at "ruin") a guy's birthday over two silly sentences that had come to be playful jargon? I had a guy "cancel" Christmas (and not just any Christmas...) at the last minute. ...I never spoke to him again.

3. If one seeks to distance themselves from a friendship, then why should it take months to do it without having ever mentioned it at all? When you're unhappy with your friend, lover, partner, f-buddy or whatever, you need to be a man and say so then, not months later or just before an important occasion! Take the chance to talk things through before the resentment becomes a barrier to solid, fruitful, and diplomatic dialog.

4. I have never had any success with friends who've regularly encouraged me to have anonymous sex. ...especially if I would have rather have been having sex with them in the first place.

[joshua]

you should pick another nickname for him now

[taylor Siluwé]

Bernard ...

Sorry about the break-up. But were you ever, truly, together?

I think 'been there' made some valid observations about your exploits and such, which you've blogged about.

You called him FRIEND, though he was clearly much more than that. Why? And why did he encourage you to do the bathhouse thing? Is it because he knew you'd do it anyway, but behind his back?

Now is the time for you to do some serious introspection. I am the man I am today because of devastating heart-break and a ton of stupid decisions I've been lucky enough to survive.

Endings are always hard. But hopefully we take time to analyze our own culpability in the mess, and learn from it.

Talk to FRIEND ... and tell him he is so much more. Even if you don't get back together, drop the barriers and the manly posturing and let him know how you really feel.

The only thing you've got to lose is that pain in your gut.

Good Luck bro, and chin up ......

[Int]

I always read this. I never comment. BUT today I am compelled to write to you. It's not a joke, I know how it feels to have someone who has always been there ... be gone. I feel your pain. But I know you're strong and you'll eventually be okay. Do what you have to do to get through. I think you may come off as self absorbed to some because hell, its your blog. You can do that - you have that right. Keep doing/being you -

Just remember things happen for a reason. Keep your head up, be strong. I know its hard - I wish you well

[been there before]

glad to hear from you mr bradshaw sorry to here about your relationship with friend i have been following your blog for sometime but never responded i would like to say this to you alot of your problem is you are a self absorbed individual and you are very confused you said your friend played to much but in timespast from reading your blog you to have played with situations and men you dont have a clear and unobstucted view of honesty even if you were in a open realtionship sounds like your friend really cared about you i say this because i was in a situation like yours 2yrs ago and i fucked up though i tried to put it all on him. you need to establish at least a frienship with him because these men out here nowadays are full of nothing but trouble and sounds like he had your back and you are going to need him again. I wish i had someone who i could have fun with its a terriable feeling to be alone and lonely. Take a self inventory on yourself and you are going to realize maybe some of the problom was you. Best of luck to you.

[vincent]

now that that is out of the way perhaps you can focus a bit more energy on the blog... :)

[caramel remixed]

whoa i thought at first you were refering to stop doing the blog but it turns out you were refering to your relationship to friend..sorry to hear abour your breakup and i wish you well